


Earning and Deserving

by LaFortunaVelutLuna



Series: And He Told Me I Was Holy... [2]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, BDSM, Dom/sub Undertones, Friendship, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, Impact Play, M/M, Parabatai, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-04
Updated: 2016-05-05
Packaged: 2018-06-06 10:20:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,021
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6749839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LaFortunaVelutLuna/pseuds/LaFortunaVelutLuna
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alec doesn't deserve the love and adoration that Magnus bestows upon him. He doesn't deserve the kindness and understanding his friend's and sister give him. And most of all, he doesn't deserve to be happy. So what happens when he can't take it anymore?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Although Jace does dominate Alec in this fic there is NO sexual contact between the two of them. Magnus and Alec are in a relationship and occasionally Alec needs his parabatai to get him out of his own head. 
> 
> (this is also my first time posting in this fandom so please be gentle with me and I may just add on to this story)

Alec was lying in Magnus's bed, wide awake despite the rigorous exercise the warlock had just given him a few hours prior; it was always like this after a long love-making session with the older man. The High Warlock of Brooklyn wasn't quite ready to let loose the more wild and demanding side of his sexual personality just yet, allowing his young boyfriend time to adjust to the very act of sex itself. He was always gentle and caring- caressing the younger man with words like 'darling', 'beautiful', 'magnificent' and 'precious'. Always taking his time with the Shadowhunter and soothing away the stresses of his missions and the expectations that came with his family name. One would think that Alec would be grateful to have such a respite, such a caring and attentive partner.

One would think...

It wasn't that Alec didn't appreciate his boyfriend's efforts or consideration- he did. He loved how Magnus would massage his shoulders after a particularly stressful day, or how he would magic away the pain of an unusually intense wound (not bothering to hear of wasting time with an iratze), or how he would listen to his young boyfriend babble on about the technicality of killing a specific demon.

Alexander Lightwood appreciated his boyfriend more than anyone would ever know, but sometimes- just sometimes the Warlock's intense love was too much. His gentle hands would take too much time caressing his skin, he would express his appreciation of Alec's body for just a little too long, he would hold off longer than he should have for his climax just so the Shadowhunter could reach his first, he would hold him and kiss him and whisper to him just how much he loved the younger man until fatigue would take over.

Alec hated nights like these; not because of Magnus, but because of himself.

He didn't deserve this. He didn't deserve the love and attention of a 300+ year old high warlock, he didn't deserve to be called beautiful and kind, he didn't deserve to be treated so well and he sure as hell didn't deserve Magnus's love. Lying here in his boyfriend's bed, with his arm draped loosely around the younger's torso, Alec felt sick. The bile rose up in his throat as memories of clutched sheets and gentle words flashed before his eyes.

_"You are so fucking beautiful, Alexander" Magnus whispered as he rolled his hips._

_The warrior moaned beneath him, eyes unfocused as his lover's length dove into him again and again._

_"I'm not-" he gasped, grinding back against the warlock._

_The older man gripped his hair and dragged him back to look into his eyes; his real eyes. The unglamored cat slits that showed the archer just how much of an effect he had on the man above him._

_"You are" he insisted, licking a stripe up his neck "Say it. Say it for me, Alexander"_

_Alec gasped; he was so close. "I- I can't...."_

_"You can and you will" the warlock ordered, digging his painted fingernails into his lover's toned hips "Now say it"_

_Magnus reached down and stroked his boyfriend in time with his thrusts, pushing Alec toward the edge._

_"I- I'm beau- Oh fuck!" he shouted, spilling against the sheets._

_The man above him followed soon after, collapsing onto the bed and holding the man next to him while nuzzling his neck._

_"I mean it, Alexander: you ARE beautiful"_

And now here he was, lying on his back with tears pooling in his eyes as the self loathing ran through his veins. No matter how many times Magnus had told him he was handsome, no matter how many times Izzy had told him that he deserved to be happy- he never believed them. He was a warrior and his body was a weapon meant for the destruction of wicked things, meant to protect those who couldn't protect themselves. It certainly wasn't there for the admiration of such an incredible being like Magnus Bane to admire and compliment, he wasn't meant for that. And his mind- his mind of all things: trained from a young age not to feel, to use logic over emotion. How could such a mind comprehend his compliments and wonderment?

Was there something wrong with him?

He had never been able to handle praise unless he had earned it, unless he had been yelled at and directed how to do better- how to be perfect. It was the way he was raised; Maryse had never told him 'good job', had never encouraged him to be happy with himself and his body, had never really thought of him as a child. Isabelle was the child, the little warrior princess that could turn around and be one or the other at the swipe of a stele. And Jace, with all of the trials and tribulations he had overcome to be such an incredible fighter. Then there was Alec; good, law-abiding, militant Alec who never stepped out line and was the perfect soldier. That was all anybody saw, all they had ever treated him as, all he ever thought to be.

And then Magnus came along; Magnus who treated him as an individual, who listened to him when he talked, who paid attention to his interests, who called him 'incredible' and 'stunning', who treated him like a rare piece of art.

He should be happy, he WAS happy. But sometimes, like now- he hated it. He needed to get out of his own head before he crawled out of skin. The guilt was burning him alive, flaying him from the inside out and ruining what little contentment there was.

He knew what he needed, what he always needed on nights like this. He need his friend, he needed his brother- he needed his parabatai.

He needed Jace.

*

Alec had left a note for Magnus before he had snuck out, a half-assed lie about being called back to the Institute. He could never tell his boyfriend what he was doing, what he needed after being loved so well. He was sick and he needed to carry his own burden, refusing to mar the beauty of what they had with his multitude of issues and insecurities.

The Shadowhunter quietly knocked on his parabatai's door, praying he wasn't asleep or worse- busy with the redhead.

Jace opened the door, surprised to see the taller man standing in front of him. "Alec? Is something wrong?"

He shrugged. "Can I come in?"

The blonde walked back into his room, a silent invitation. They were parabatai; they hardly needed words anymore.

"Where's Clary?" the dark haired man asked.

Jace's room was immaculate, only the ruffled duvet and several books strewn on the bed a testament to the occupant's current state.

"She went to see Jocelyn" he replied, tossing the covers back into place "Now tell me what's wrong"

Alec looked at the ground, shame bubbling up inside of him- it was worse every time he came here. Asking his friend, his brother to help him out with something as disgusting as this- yet, Jace never turned him away. Never asked why or told him to seek help elsewhere, never spoke about it in the daylight hours or used it against him no matter how much they fought.

"I- I went to see Magnus..."

The blonde nodded. "And?"

"And..." he took a deep breath "I just, I don't feel... right. Can you help me? Could you please, just..."

It got harder to speak each time, yet the younger Shadowhunter always forced him to say it out loud. Made him speak the words so they were clear on what was expected; just because Alec had to suffer through his guilt didn't mean Jace had to do the same thing.

"Will you hurt me?" he finally asked "I need it"

"What exactly do you want?"

"The arnis sticks, maybe your belt and Izzy's whip- if you can get it"

The blonde's eyebrows almost reached his hairline; he'd never asked for that before. Just what had happened at the warlock's?

"Why?" he inquired "Why do you need the whip?"

The archer shrugged, looking down at his shoes in shame and embarrassment. But Jace wasn't having it; the warrior walked over to his friend and tucked a finger underneath his chin, forcing the brunette to look him in the eye.

"Words, Alec" he stated, firmly "Why do you want Izzy's whip? And don't you dare shrug again"

Calm began to settle in the older's stomach, the familiar sense of submission running through his veins; never did he feel calmer than when he did this. The relief of giving up control, not having to make decisions or deal with the consequences of somebody else's stupidity. All that mattered was here and now; him and his parabatai. The only other man he could trust with a secret like this, the only other person who could understand his perversion without a side of judgement. Alec was so grateful...

"I- I feel guilty" the eldest Lightwood admitted "I just feel like too much good has been happening to me lately and I- I don't deserve it. I feel like I need to pay for all the positivity coming at me, especially for you guys. Izzy lost Meliorn but I still have Magnus, you and Clary aren't on the best of terms yet I'm leaving blissed out from my boy- boyfriend's apartment happy and covered in hickies. It's not right"

Jace ached to hold him and tell him that he had no debt to pay. He longed to convince his brother that his years of faithful loyalty were now paying off and he deserved to be happy for once in his miserable life. But he wouldn't do that; that wasn't what Alec needed right now. If he felt any kind of affection coming from his parabatai he would lash out, get angry and stomp off only to find another way to hurt himself. At least here he was safe, here Jace could watch over him and make sure that things didn't go too far. After all Alec had done for him, he owed him this.

"Okay" the blonde, conceded "Take off your clothes and get on your knees. I'll be back in a sec"

Alec did as he was told, stripping down to his boxer briefs and waiting on his haunches by the edge of the bed with his palms flat on his thighs. Anticipation was already coursing like electricity across his skin as he waited for his parabatai to return.

"I got it" Jace replied, using his stele to draw a locking rune on the door and a soundless rune onto his skin.

The blonde tossed his sister's whip onto the duvet and held his hand out to the brunette. "Arm"

The archer didn't need to ask what for; they had done this enough times to know what was needed to ensure complete privacy and a pleasant session. (Locking and soundless runes, a stamina rune for Jace, and a clarity rune for Alec.) He held out his arm and silently watched as his brother completed his work before facing him.

"What do you want first?"

"It's up to you" Alec replied, remembering not to shrug.

Jace huffed. "I asked you a question, Alec. And I expect it to be answered, now: What. Do. You. Want. First?"

Visions of Isabelle crying clawed behind the brunette's eyelids and he choked on a sob.

"The whip, please" he replied, slouching slightly.

His friend reached for the snake bracelet, taking off his shirt before the jewelry took its true form. If Alec was in as deep as he thought, then this was going to take awhile and Jace would be pouring sweat by the end of it.

"Count" he hissed, standing five feet away and widening his stance for stability. 

The blonde waited until he heard the archer take a breath before he swung the whip forward, biting at the tan skin already covered in nail marks- no doubt a side effect of sleeping with The High Warlock of Brooklyn.

Alec gasped but then relaxed. "One"

"Good" his parabatai stated "We're going for ten"

Several more blows followed the first. The soldier on his knees couldn't help but flinch, not from the pain of his sister's whip but from her voice echoing inside of his head.

_'Alec, it's okay!' she cried, facing the memory demon._

_'Don't, it's not your fight' she said, being dragged away and arrested._

_'I'm just a scapegoat to the Clave' she hissed, angrily._

He felt tears rising in his eyes as he thought back to every moment his little sister had been brave, braver than he was- brave enough to be herself and fight for what she wanted. And he had failed her every time.

The whip tore away at more layers of skin as memory after memory flashed before his eyes.

_'Alec you don't have to go through with this wedding' she insisted._

_'It's what I want'_

_'Okay' she replied_

_'Okay? No big argument?'_

_'You stood by me through my trial so now I'm standing by you, big brother'_

The final blow struck Alec's shoulder blades one last time before Jace stopped, waiting fro him to finish counting.

"Ten"

The blonde swung the whip back and forth. "Do you need more?"

Alec nodded; he still couldn't feel it yet, couldn't feel the agony and humiliation Izzy must have experienced. 

"Yes... and harder"

Jace took a deep breath and planted his feet, twisting his torso until it burned before propelling his arm forward and hitting his parabatai with enough force to make his posture falter. _This..._ This was what he needed.

"More" Alec growled, eager to accept the pain he was being given.

Jace was careful. Despite the impact of the whip, he knew how to hit a different spot with each crack- careful not to cause too much damage to the man in front of him. The familiarity of the lacerations combined with comforting sound of Izzy's whip was starting to ground the older Shadowhunter, relieving him of his shame. But as anything, it was over too soon.

"Ten" Alec whispered, wiping away the sweat of his brow with the back of his hand.

His parabatai allowed the whip to drag along the floor as he walked toward the bed.

"Are you okay now?" he inquired, not wanting to push his brother to far.

The archer shook his head and looked up pleadingly at his brother in arms. "I need more"


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, we have Jace continuing his session with Alec. There is still NO amorous contact between the two of them. Enjoy the finale!

Jace dropped the whip onto the bed and unbuckled his belt, pulling it from the loops and swaying the leather back and forth.

"Where do you want it?" he asked.

Alec dropped his forehead to the ground, kowtowing and allowing the blonde to decide. But Jace wasn't a monster, he wasn't going to beat Alec's back bloody- he decided to go below the waist this time. 

He snapped the leather across the older's thighs, wincing at the red welt beginning to decorate his skin.

"One" Alec whispered.

The younger man decided to stick with the same ten as before, only willing to go further if his friend asked for it.

"Two"

_'Stop, Alec! Just, stop!_

_'I shouldn't have to ask you for help: we're parabatai'_

_'Come with me; we'll fight Valentine the right way- together'_

Jace's belt had more of a bite to it than the sharp sting of his sister's whip. An appropriate fact, fitting each of their personalities. Isabelle was whitty and sharp, even snappy when things came down to it- always ready to retaliate when needed. But Jace, Jace was a forced to be reckoned with; a strong, aggressive fighter that left carnage in his wake. The leather snapped back and hit the soles of his feet, reminding him to count- reminding him of who he was and what he needed.

_'I'm begging you my parabatai, my brother: please, come with me'_

"Ten..."

He eased off, watching as Alec's chest heaved with exertion. Jace wasn't surprised, he was already sweating harder than he ever did in the training room and they still had some time to go. The blonde placed a hand on his friend's shoulder, checking in with him.

"How you doing, buddy?" he asked, gently.

The brunette shrugged him off and tossed the sparring stick at his feet, determined to finish what he'd come here for. He'd paid for what he'd done to Izzy and Jace but there was so much more absolution he hadn't received yet, in his own twisted mind. He needed more bruises, more pain, more tears, more sweat, more agony. He wasn't going to stop until it hurt to move, until each breath was a reminder that he was still alive and the torment was proof that he'd repented.

"You had Izzy's whip and my belt" Jace observed "So who is this for?"

"Everyone" Alec wheezed, trying to ignore the tenderness of his skin.

Jace picked up the staff and spun it around in his hand. "Who is everyone? Be specific?"

Alec balled his hands into fists, trying not to focus on the people he had let down.

"I mean, EVERYONE" he pressed "Mom, dad, Max, Hodge, Lydia, Simon, Luke, Clary, the Institute- the entire fucking Clave!"

His friend slightly thwacked him with the wood, just enough to get his attention. "Don't you lie to me, Alec. We are in way too fucking deep for you to retreat back into your head. Screw our parents; they lied to us and try to use you to bring back the family name. Max? You've never done anything but love and protect him- when you saw Lydia as Valentine, you pushed him behind you and drew a goddamn arrow at her head! Hodge? Fuck him... He turned his back on us after we gave him a family. Lydia? Hell, she was the one who told you it was okay to be happy! If anything, I think you gave her a chance to redeem herself. Simon? I think the little punk is starting to warm up to you if I'm honest. Luke and Clary are nothing but grateful for everything you've ever done to help find Jocelyn. And to hell with the Institute and the fucking Clave! You know as well as I do that they owe you, not the other way around. So tell me, Alec- why are you doing this? Why do you really want this? Who is it for?"

The tears that had been so neatly decorating the ridge of his eyes finally spilled over and ran down the archer's cheeks. Drop after drop of salty regret followed one after the other until the Shadowhunter was sobbing.

Jace snarled. "Answer me, Alexander!"

Something broke inside of him then; only one person called him by his full name. Only one person had been nothing but kind to him. Only one person had placed him first and put everything on the line for him. Only one person called him 'pretty boy' and 'wonderful' and 'precious' and 'mine'. Only one person had been patient enough let him be comfortable in his time with his own skin. Only one person had genuinely told him how much they cared for him just because he was himself. And only one person could cause so much love and heartbreak all at the same time.

" _Magnus_ " he sobbed "This is for Magnus"

The blonde placed his hands on the top of the sparring stick and widened his stance, adopting an air of authority.

"Why? What have you done to Magnus?"

Now Alec looked up at his parabatai. "Are you fucking kidding me?!? What haven't I done to Magnus?!? I ignored his interest because I was too scared to admit I was gay, I avoided him and his affection because I couldn't stand to feel it only to know I'd have to give it up, I lied to his face when I told him that I'd be okay marrying Lydia, I humiliated him by making out with him in front of the Clave, I didn't defend him when mom threw insults like he wasn't even there, I shut him down when he tried to talk about his mortality and worst of all, I..."

Alec was shaking now; could he go this far? Could he admit what had been bothering him this whole time? Was it really worth it to rip open his soul and dig out the darkest and ugliest piece of himself that he had kept hidden away for so long? 

"What, Alec?" Jace demanded

The Shadowhunter slumped. "Worst of all, I come to you. Always after we make love- always after he's used such wonderful words and done such incredible things to my body. He's so loving and caring and kind and I... I don't deserve that. After everything I've done, I don't deserve him."

Suddenly all of the pieces were coming together right in front of the blonde's eyes. 

"Why?" he questioned, softly "Why don't you deserve nice things? Why don't you deserve him?"

"Seriously?" the oldest asked, incredulously "Look at me, Jace! I'm not beautiful or wonderful or amazing! I'm a fucking weapon that goes around destroying things and putting lesser beings in their place. That- that is not beautiful. That doesn't deserve love, no matter how much of a desire there may be..."

Jace restrained himself, staved off the urge to go to his parabatai, to wrap him in a hug and insist that he was kind and beautiful and deserved all of those things. He wanted to strangle the brunette with logic, to ask why Izzy or himself deserved such things when he didn't and they were all the same. But he couldn't, he wouldn't: all of this hard work would go to waste if he tried. So he settled for finishing what he was asked to do; he had to finish hurting Alec, had to absolve him of his imaginary wrongdoings before he could move forward.

"Stand up" he ordered.

The hunter scrambled to his feet and waited, groaning when the first hit came. The stick hit him in the chest first, then the stomach, then front of his thighs, then his legs and so on and so on, repeatedly until Alec dropped to his knees from exertion. Soon his shoulder's crumbled as well until he was lying in a fetal position on the cool floor of his best friend's bedroom.

It could have been minutes or hours before consciousness returned him to the present.

"Hey, here" Jace whispered, holding a water bottle against his lips.

Alec drank greedily, soon realizing he didn't leave any for his also exhausted parabatai. "Sorry"

"It's okay" he replied "I brought another one. Do you need more?"

The brunette shook his head, sated and satisfied with his punishment. Jace sat criss-cross next to his friend and pulled his stele out of his pocket, not even asking if he could activate Alec's iratze- it was part of their deal. If he wanted to be hurt, then he had to be healed afterward.

"Thanks" he whispered, suddenly realizing that he was still half naked "Um, do you mind if I-"

"Go ahead, there are fresh towels and an unopened bar of soap. I'll grab some clothes from your room and leave them on the bed for when you come out."

Alec frowned. "You're leaving?"

"Yeah," Jace replied, pulling a shirt over his sweaty torso "I need to find Clary... and you should probably go talk to Magnus."

The taller man sighed, not wanting to fight about what had just happened. He simply nodded and stood up on wobbly legs, gingerly walking into the bathroom and turning on the spray of the shower. He just needed some time; he needed to wash away all of the sweat and guilt and filth of his actions before he could decide on anything. Before he could go back to the man he was afraid to love.

Alec was grateful his soundless rune was still activated; he didn't need anybody to hear his wracking sobs as they echoed in the shower stall. 

He was so disgustingly pathetic...


End file.
